Steve, theGoodWordGuy just checking in. The journal continues.
“In all the languages of the World
Cancer is still the same”
It still hurts.©”
April 19th, 2000
Just released from nine-day hospital stay for second-degree internal burns of entire digestive tract from chemotherapy.
Steve, theGoodWordGuy, Cancer Survivor
MY REBIRTH…
IN MARCH OF 2001, I set forth on a six month laborious task of trying to find a psychologist, psychiatrist and a therapist. Finding one you like is similar to climbing a mountain with no shoes. Finding one that is accepting new patients is another hurdle. Then, if they accept the insurance you have…well, best of luck. After several weeks of being turned down and not having phone calls returned, I got lucky. I made an appointment with a psychologist who took my insurance, was seeing new patients and who’s office returned my phone calls. The psychologist and I hit it off quite well. She did not make me feel like a social misfit. On my second visit, I met with a therapist, my future life coach.
After that visit, I knew she was the one that could help me heal. I told her I needed a psychiatrist to manage my medication. Wouldn’t you know it but her husband’s business partner was just that. When I visited the psychiatrist he immediately changed my medication. Within four months, I saw more improvement than in twenty-five years of my life. He diagnosed me as having severe depression and social anxiety. During this time, I was also diagnosed with sleep apnea and narcolepsy (sleeping disorders). This disorder contributes to depression, poor judgment, memory loss, excessive sleepiness, colon cancer and fatigue during the day. They are both very destructive disorders.
A positive attitude, persistence and visualization became the buzz-words I would say over and over in my mind to start my rebirth. I knew these mental concepts would work. I remember when I was a young teenager reading, “The Power of Positive Thinking” by Norman Vincent Peale. He wrote about the power of the mind before it was accepted as a real form of healing. I put together a complete mental health program to include a psychiatrist for medication management, psychologist for overall wellness and a therapist for the weekly transformation from my depression and poor mental state to victory.
I was 9 months past my cancer surgery and five months past my chemo poisoning. I was in a very deep depression. I had 25 years of guilt and anger buried deep in my heart that I had never dealt with. My coping skills were non existent. My sense of reality was distorted by the mismanaged medication I had been taking before. At first, I didn’t think my Therapist had a very good plan for me but then I realized the plan was just that. It was for me. She said I had to take responsibility for changing my heart.
She wouldn’t hand feed me. What I had to learn was to put my horrible, blinding pride aside and humble myself to receive the peace I so badly desired. No one was going to ride with me on my quest but myself. I was very scared of facing myself because I had always worn a false social mask.
I WAS BEGINNING TO HEAL…
My determination, responsibility and accountability were starting to be aroused. Was this the beginning of the rebirth of my inner man? After 25 months of loss, depression and despair, I realized a driving force in my life was to share the experiences I had with others. For many months following my surgery, I felt alone. I felt that there was no one to talk to for support, fellowship, resources, comfort or education although my family had surrounded me the entire time with love and support. It takes months, even years for us to realize the casualties cancer, life traumas and depression cause to our loved ones. Cancer also affects ones financial well being, family strength, friendships, business partners and extended family.
“Cancer can rob one of many things;
Health, prosperity, marriage, job, happiness, contentment and an endless individual list of
personal losses.
Cancer cannot rob you of the power of the resurrection,
The foundation of hope.©”
Some stuff I wrote while I was healing, Steve, theGoodWordGuy, April 2002
My 46th year of life
I finally felt free in my soul when I was diagnosed with such severe depression. After I did research on the condition, I realized I had it my entire life. Depression is an invisible disease. As a matter of fact, I had a handful of invisible, so called shameful diseases; colon cancer, severe depression, alcohol abuse, anxiety attacks, sleep apnea and narcolepsy. After many years of bliss, frustration, depression, memory loss and a self destructive lifestyle, it all finally made sense. I finally began to understand the purpose of life. I needed to rebuild it on a solid foundation. I was at a dangerous crossroads in my life and needed to put all of the pieces together to make them work. I knew I would not have a second chance this time.
Below are the steps I followed to successfully overcome the emotions of being a cancer survivor and the life trauma I had faced. This was not another to do list to read and put on the refrigerator. These were reality statements that work and transformed my life.
1. I Made a decision to change (set a goal)
2. I overcame mental obstacles – admitted that I could not heal without help from others. This was a major turnaround for me because I always declared myself as being self-sufficient.
3. I stood back and put my pride aside. This is different from the first two statements. I took the time to be true to myself and I cleared the negative filters from my mind. This is the first step in learning how to love yourself.
4. I assembled a team of health professionals to work for me. I interviewed them and chose which ones I wanted to hire.
5. I stayed focus and was patient. This was very hard to do but I never, never gave up.
6. I became motivated. My motivation was to heal. I also realized I owed myself a good life. I had to heal emotionally if I was ever going to share my love of life with my family again. This is when I realized I had to learn to love myself before I would be able to know how to love others.
7. I asked for spiritual intervention. I can still hear the echo of my father’s voice encouraging me, “son, no matter what, always do your very best in life. Just work hard, be honest and the guy upstairs will always bless and protect you.” So I always asked for God’s help and was answered.
SURVIVING CANCER CAN BE A GUILT TRIP
In June, 2001, I met with my cousin who was diagnosed with colon cancer before I was. He had experienced symptoms for sometime before he sought medical advice and treatment. His cancer had become much more aggressive than mine. He and his brother traveled the country for two and a half years trying every experimental treatment and drug thought to be worthy to heal him. He was finally admitted to the James Cancer Center at The Ohio State University. I was under a doctors care at the same Center.
I was also a volunteer at the James in their mouth and throat cancer center. My cousin had gone there for an experimental surgery to relieve some of the pain in his lower back and lower body. I visited him several times at the James but the last time I talked with him we were alone.
He had just received his lunch and I was trying to help him eat a little and drink some water. We were watching a nature show on TV, (his favorite) when suddenly he looked up at me from his bed. His eyes seemed distant and glazed. Breathing heavily through his oxygen mask, the only words he spoke to me were, “Steve, please help others with the pain I feel. Help the ones like yourself who made it.” He closed his eyes and dozed off. I immediately left the room, broken hearted and crying. I stumbled to the elevator.
As I waited for the elevator doors to open, I thanked the Lord for my health and asked him for peace to come to my cousins soul. I knew that was the last time I would see him on this earth. Just a few days later Mike entered his home in heaven. At the funeral home, I felt guilty for living, for being one of the lucky ones who beat cancer. My uncle must have sensed my feelings for he put his arm around me and said, “you are very lucky, Steve”. I saw too many tears that day. I felt so alone at the funeral home. I felt everyone was looking at me wondering when I would go next.
My cousins brother was a doctor. He carried the burden of saving his brother as a personal mission. At the funeral, I could see the determination in his eyes as well as his frustration. A doctor lives a horrid existence when a family member is affected with cancer. Every doctor knows both sides of cancer; the terminal reality of the disease and the possible hope the next treatment may bring. I saw a doctor and a brother frustrated, looking hopeless, worrying if every decision he made about his brother’s care was the right one. I saw him ask himself over and over, “Why couldn’t I save my brother’s life?”
CANCER SURIVIORS ARE “Gladiators of Hope.”©
I was proud to know my cousin. Only cancer survivors can understand the bond of hope we all share. I felt that my cousin and I were connected as gladiators might have been in ancient Rome. These men had one goal – survival over certain death in the Coliseum. In order to be victorious over their foes, they had to train themselves mentally, physically and emotionally.
We too had one goal, to survive over cancer and to train ourselves for that battle on all of those levels. By focusing our energy on achieving mental, physical and emotional wellness, we were determined to beat it. Though my cousin ended his battle on this earth, he was a true Gladiator of Hope©. His message of hope and faith touched the hearts of those who witnessed his heroic life.
Its time to start thinking about writing your own Wellness Plan that will help you travel through cancer survivorship or any life trauma.
theGoodWordGuy here, let’s move on to, Your Wellness Plan.